- In the event of a sudden descent, carbon monoxide masks will fall from the compartment above to make the process painless -

Hello and welcome on this flight to the one-dimensional land of Jonathan, where we hope to gain some insight into the man and his delusions.

You are encouraged to move toward the back of the plane and fill up the back rows first. In case you were not informed of this when you checked in, the front and back of the plane are going to the same place. So do move in, and help yourself to the seat between the crying baby and the slightly large man with glandular issues. You may find youself having to lean toward the baby in order to fit in your seat.

As is the case with all flights, we are legally bound to deliver some perfunctory instructions to you prior to the flight while you read your newspaper or smother your baby with a pillow or take your shoes off to altruistically allow the aroma emanating fom your feet to insidiously permeate the entire cabin from which there is no escape on this 13-hour flight, and ultimately ignore us completely.

In the event of turbulent weather, you are advised not to leave your seat at all. For this reason, you will find that the engineers of this plane have omitted lavatories. If you were looking for an airline which provided a repository in which to relieve yourself, you should have indicated this on the card. And perhaps paid a ton more.

In any case, reaching our destination would be a relief, for both you and ourselves. We trust that our wings and our lone engine will remain intact for the course of this journey. For this purpose, we would like you to sign on a slip of paper at the start of the flight. Please refrain from reading the text on the paper as this will hamper our administrative duties, and you wouldn't want that now, would you, seeing as lunch will be served by the same people collecting the papers. For the uninitiated, "indemnity" is a common alternative for"just sign it, dammit".

Should you be rudely awoken from your peaceful slumber by a shrill, ear-piercing scream, please do not be alarmed. There is no cause for concern, as this is merely Wailing Wanda, our resident apparition who has graced this plane with her presence for - oh, almost 10 years now! Congratulations Wanda!

The in-flight entertainment today will be provided by Helen Headrest and Tommy Turntable in front of you. The feedback is that they aren't particularly engaging, but that may change on this flight if you're lucky.

Please be informed that this is a non-smoking flight, and smoking in the cabin or in the non-existent lavatories (or where they should be) will trigger off the smoke alarm (Wailing Wanda) and you will be brought to the nearest emergency exit and requested to leave.

Upon the onset of turbulent weather, you may experience a sudden decrease in pressure, as if the plane is in free fall. This is entirely normal. You may also see the cabin crew parachuting off the plane. Please be assured that they are merely doing this to lighten the load of the plane -- in your interests.

Finally we suggest that you do not fasten your seat belts, as this will impede your movement in the event of a crash, which has been strangely common. People who failed to heed this advice were found to have been burnt to death. While this was not necessarily always the case, it happened with relatively high frequency. However, do feel free to buckle up if you'd like to lull yourself into a false sense of security, but don't say we didn't warn you when you burn. And die, if you're lucky. Statistics show that a man suffers a heart attack in one of out every 3 of our flights. He is a very unlucky man.

Thank you for choosing to fly with our airline. We hope you have a pleasant flight.