[A dark, hollow room with a dark glass wall. In the middle stands a wooden table and above it, a solitary light bulb. On opposite sides of the table are 2 chairs, seated on which are Jonny Baby, a tall, 20-year-old Chinese male of moderate build and spiky hair, decked in a suit, and a grey-haired policeman in a white shirt, black pants and suspenders, approaching his 50s, nationality unknown]

Siddown.

You mind turning that light down? It's a lil' taxing on the eyes.

Zees ees un interrogation room, not un living room!

Oh really? Cool. Always a first time then. So what'm innere for?

My people ees say zey see you een Varsaw vit people committing crimes against ze Polish, drinking ze Polish Vodka und eating ze Polish meat, hitting on ze Polish women, no?

That's not a crime, is it?

Een zees country, eet ees.

Oh. Damn. That can't be good. So your people saw my people flirting with Eastern European people and that's not right in this country.

[ponders for a while] Oui.

And what country is this again?

[with the expression of one who usually only asks questions, not answer them] I only ask questions, not answer zem! Oonderstand?

So you ask the questions.

Oui.

And I answer them.

Oui.

So questions will be asked of me, and you will get the answers.

Oui.

So me ask questions, you answer.

Oui. Why are you asking so many of zees questions?

Ok, I'm beginning to grasp this relationship now. but I'll let what you just said pass. Now here's what happened. The 6th team wanted to go somewhere for an end-of-term dinner. Ideas mooted included Ponti's and Belgo. And before you know it, we were on a plane to friggin' Warsaw. I had to take 2 days off school to go for that. We had a traditional Polish breakfast a couple of Kamikaze's at a chic local pub, and a rather grand dinner at this way posh restaurant, all this time suited up in our finest. I had a Polish cabbage starter and a Highlander Hand of Pork - essentially a huge serving of steamed pork knuckle. Can I go now? My mum wants me back by eight. We're visiting me nan.

Non, you stay. After zat? What you do?

After that? We'll probably go round the back of nan's house for ice-cream.

Non, non! Sac de merde! After ze dinner in Varsaw.

Oh, that. Nothing really. We popped back to the airport and slept there till our flight.

You lie!

Is that a crime?

Oui!!! Zey say you broke into ze Polish bank and stole ze Polish jewels.

Yeah, and then we had an audience with the Queen, got knighted and Harry Potter came by on a broomstick. Reel it in.
We went to this club called the Underground and someone told some chicks we were the Chelsea U-24s. We got plenty more female attention after that, I tell ya. I watched on as the boys pulled girls all night, including a rather gangly one who later remembered to inform us that she just happened to be married. We left the joint at 2 -- and that's when things got ugly.
They were turning Christmas lights off and kicking and stamping on cars and climbing scaffoldings and tearing off those police cordon tapes -

Sacre bleu!

Yes. Sacre bleu indeed. They broke into a post office, they kicked down road barriers, they hurled imprecations at random passers-by all night, they -

[light goes off and comes on again, and Jonny Baby has disappeared, and in his place sits a Coffee Monkey]